Saturday, August 30, 2008

One Week To Go

As of Friday, I had exactly seven days left in New York City. I was originally supposed to be home by now, but I asked my bosses (and Margot) for an extra week, since I'd missed so many days early on. I've had quite a summer, what with turning 21, the Olympics, the election, and a phenomenal job experience, not to mention being in the greatest city on the planet. Rome, Chicago, New York, Delhi, and Calcutta -- the greatest 18 months of my life.

The Imperfect Ganesha

Friday was a half day at work. Not even my boss showed up, so I spent the day researching Government Barbie (c). She comes as part of a special Oil and Gas Lobbyist series and is in near mint-condition -- she's only two years old, after all.

After Forgetting Sarah Palin, I spent the day moaning and groaning as the results of Andre's workout fully hit me. I hit Madison Square Garden to see a play with Ethan, who was nice enough to score free press pass tickets. Unfortunately, the play was not very good. I'll spare you my rant about Western writers using the stale trope of Exotic, Ethnic, Poor India as a mechanism for spoiled white people to "discover" themselves. What was truly notable was that the path the old Connecticut WASP-Ladies took was the same one Ross and I will be taking in December.

Then it was off to Dallas BBQ, a truly obnoxious "Texan" restaurant which is important for being where I began my 21st festivities. Several margaritas and long island iced teas later, I'm rambling to Grider in incoherent doublespeak.

Pseuper-Heroes and Pseudo-Fashion

I woke up today and announced "The eyes are bright! The tail is bushy!" Margot and Noel did not share my enthusiasm. I even threatened to go to the gym! After much complaint, we all managed to dress ourselves and leave the apartment for brunch. We went to this fancy bread place that Margot told me was Lisy's favorite, and I can see why. I got something with arugula because ARUGULA GODDAMMIT. Also, I am a secret muslim antichrist elitist.

Ria called on my way back, and insisted that we go see an exhibit called "Superheroes: Fashion and Fantasy." Usually, Ria and I have very disparate tastes when it comes to cultural pursuits. This, however, is what is known as "compromise."

The exhibit was amazing. They actually brought up some very interesting points about the iconic nature of superhero costumes, and how some of them mirror fashion traditions. Also, IRON MAN SUIT and BATMAN SUIT DROOOOOOOOOL. They even had a gallery of original debut comics, like Amazing Fantasy 15 and Action Comics #1. Which is impressive, considering those comics are worth hundreds of thousands of dollars. But it's the Met, so go figure.

Anyway, I'm sold on the Met. It can stay. The end.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

"And all I could think is, who names their kid 'Barack Obama'?"

Clearly, Earth's yellow sun gives Obama superhuman powers he lacks on his home planet of Hawaii.

--

*UPDATE* Alaska Barbie for VEEP! WHOO WALNUUUUTS!

"Cool Batman shirt,"

said Andre, in a neutral tone.
"Yeah," I said, "I left the one that just says 'NERD' in big black letters at home."
Andre laughed a little, then looked confused. "Do you, um, have an actual shirt like that?"
"No."
"So that's just what you say when someone complements you on your shirt."
"Yeah."

The training is phenomenal. I've gone down from 16% to 12% body fat. Andre says my chest is in fact in better shape than his now. And I've just ordered the Batsuit; it'll be shipped to Ross' next week.

--

On the subway, I definitely got caught dancing and lip synching to Mika's "Lollipop." This was the second funniest thing I had seen in public today -- I was walking behind a lady today who inspired no less than seven male gawkers within the space of thirty seconds as she passed by. Construction workers, lawyers, and food stand people all could not resist.

Now SHUT UP INTERNET FRIENDS, it's OBAMA TIME.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Ted or Alive

Yesterday, my friend Ted visited us, albeit briefly. We had beer and watched the convention. We're so cool.

Ted left at 5 AM, and I was totally awake to see him go, but when it came time for me to re-awaken for work, my brain kept telling me "If you wake up now, you'll never win the soda-candy chugging contest. Keep your eyes closed!" Needless to say, I was half an hour late to work today.

--

Last night, in Dreamland, I met the actor who plays Jim Halpert and took him on a tour of my office. I spent the whole dream profoundly uncomfortable, almost sure that he'd find my existence mundane. But he was incredibly nice about it. Then we talked about positivism for a while.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

It's a Christmas Miracle

EXT. GOTHAM CITY: THE JOKER is leaping over some snow-covered rooftops.

JOKER: Jingle Bells (gunshot) Batman smells, Robin, oh you know the rest. The important part being me getting away.

THE JOKER spots a dark shadow and pushes a Santa display, complete with reindeer onto it.

JOKER: Oh, Batsie, you sleigh me! Now, with any luck, it's time to return the favor!

--

Why would my subconscious go to such great lengths for a pun?

Your MOM'S Having Breakfast With Me

Ross' Mom invited me to breakfast with her at Conde Nast publishing. You know, where GQ, Vogue, and all those places are? I realize the situation sounds like a middle-school joke, but I'm really excited.

Yesterday, my boss was angry with me for not being born in the US. She wanted me to be President.

In other bizarre compliment news, Margot told me that I would definitely get married, as I would make a terrific father. As terrifying as the thought of tiny Prankses running amok is, the idea of me being married is even worse. Maybe I can skip a few steps? WEDLOCK BABY: TRANSFORM AND ROLL OUT. You heard it here first, folks.

--

Edit:

"Pranks, it's Thundercats: HOOO!"

roguetldr 3:05
"not from Juno"

arctica776@gmail.com 3:05
"Juno misquoted it and now everyone does."

roguetldr 3:06
"I know"

arctica776@gmail.com 3:06
">:|"

roguetldr 3:06
"but it referenced babies"

06:14
"so I figured..."

arctica776@gmail.com 3:06
">:|!"

roguetldr 3:06
"okay okay"

06:31
"I'll change it"

Monday, August 25, 2008

Margot at the apartment

Margot has moved in, which has increased the number of people in the apartment by 50% and the number of objects in it by 500%. We had a lovely day today; we went to the Nintendo Store (where I saw the voice of Mario and Luigi!) and Coney Island (where I ate an original Nathan's Dog) and finally to this wacky dinner place where I ate frozen hot chocolate.

I'm starting to get Chicago-sick now, so it's good that she's here. Having someone to show around will keep me from getting too bored.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

I am vengeance. I am the night.

I am so excited.

Now the question is whether to go for large or medium. I wear medium t-shirts and I'm a 34 pants size. But I actually want to be able to move in this thing. Furthermore, ew, tights.

The things I do for Gotham.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

The Audacity of Joke

Why can't I stop having dreams with Barack Obama in them? In the latest, his family and McCain's family were touring this gigantic tacky hall with paraphernalia pertaining to all fifty states. He said little to me, even when I was playing with his kids, until we both got to Maryland (the seventh state to ratify); and for some reason we bonded over making fun of it. Its motto was "Manly deeds, womanly words" and I teased him saying it might also apply to him. At first, he looked angry, but then he lightened up a little and started laughing.

My brain must have generated all that because I had looked up Delaware and Maryland on wiki after learning that Biden was the nominee.

--

In real world news, my apartment is still a mess, and I'm still sick with the disease commonly known as Ross' Plague.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

"Oh, other Nintendo wallet,"

I said, mock-mournfully, "we had some good times, didn't we?" Then, I shook it onto the table violently and put all of its detritus into my shiny new Twilight Princess wallet.

During this weekend, Pelks would occasionally whip out a notebook after someone had said something particularly objectionable and/or memorable. "Captain's Log: 'Oh, other Nintendo wallet, we had some good times, didn't we?'"

For those of you not in the know (and if you weren't, shame on you!) some of my best friends (and the best friend of a best friend) drove fifteen hours from Chicago last weekend.

Bekah had shingles, Richard still thought he was in Paris, Olivia had gotten in from Japan the day before, and Ross and Pelks were the same collection of unique incompetencies I knew and loved.

All of this made for an EXCITING Road Trip, I'm sure. Last night, I watched them leave, and I was sadder than I'd been since I came to college.

--

Fem Force Five Minus Two Plus Two left at 7 AM on Saturday, then drove (stopping once) until they arrived at about 12. I was angry. I thought they'd be there at 10. I called Ross twice and yelled at him. Then, when he turned his phone off, I called a groggy and shingly Bekah, made her hand the phone to Ross and yelled at him again. Then Pelks yelled at me. I felt pretty good about how this was going, so I took a nap until they told me they were on the island.

Dave arrived, asking if I'd lost his residents. Well, I didn't. I found them a parking garage, then stood at the corner waving my arms maniacally like a tween at a Jonas Brothers concert until I saw their Escalade. Then, they pulled into the parking garage and severely tried my patience trying to find a parking spot. I nearly jumped the fence and told them off until Ross called me telling me they were waiting in front of my apartment.

Huh. Must have been standing at the wrong exit.

--

I hugged them all at least twice, (well, I hugged Shingles very carefully, but she looked incredibly codeinated and forlorn, so I put her on the bed and gave her Kermit. She said little until the next morning.) Neil and I had spent most of the day (when I wasn't sleeping in preparation or yelling at the Road Trippers to hurry up) scouring the entire apartment for any speck of dust or dirt. We actually bought new cleaning supplies for them. I scrubbed the entire bathroom, and Neil did the counter and the floor. Then we bought social lubricants, which immediately went into the crispifier.

Miraculously, there was actual partying, despite the commute. Less miraculously, all seven of us ended up staying in my tiny one-bedroom apartment. See, they had brought pillows in from the car and anything. And changed into pajamas (which they borrowed from me.) "That's cute," I thought, Bekah and Pelks are going to take the subway in their jammies. "What a unique and interesting idea!"

Then they uniquely and interestingly climbed into my bed, and Ross and Olivia followed suit. What followed was lots of kicking, pacing, and grumbling, but very little sleeping. Ross left us during one of my brief periods of sleep and went to have breakfast with his parents. For a second, I thought she had had enough of the kicking and Pelks had finally eaten him. "Captain's Log: Slimy, yet satisfying."

--

So, clearly, I woke us all up at 10, despite the fact that we went to bed at 4:30. After six people took showers, I took them to the painfully trendy coffee shop in Alphabet City (a neighborhood based on Sesame Street!) We only had to stop for coffee three more times the rest of the day.

I figured we'd better get the touring out of the way before Ross rejoined us, since, you know, he can barely stand us even when we're not being tourists in his city. So after a lunch, we all went to Times Square.

"This is Times Square," I told Olivia, "it's a big fuckin' deal. There's some big shit over there. Lots of signs." Despite how jaded I was, Bekah went to its center, put her hands up and stared happily in a way that put some Barack Obama into cynical heart.

A trip to the Toys'r'us was next on the list, and we spent an inappropriate amount of time there.

On the way to the Nintendo Store, I saw a man dressed as a giant, ersatz Elmo. After cleaning the urine off of my pant leg, I used Neil as a meatshield and dragged him until the abomination was out of eyesight.

First, I took the gang to the NBC Store, trying not to overstimulate Bekah and Pelks. They got impatient. Olivia insisted that we take a "Before" picture. We were too excited to take an "After" picture.

--

At the Nintendo Store, every corner was filled with wonder. Let me put it this way: I promised Bekah and Pelks a stuffed Kirby and/or Link, but they still left happy. We spent THREE hours there. To be fair, we had to wait for Dave (who we'd lost in Toys'r'us), Ross, and Marlena. Anyway, here are our purchases: Bekah and I exchanged Zelda wallets (which was good, as my old wallet was falling apart.) But that wasn't all. Pelks bought me a Bonsly. My Bonsly is crying. Why is it crying? "Because," said someone (Ross?), "you keep throwing it at people." I think it's for a different reason: "Bonsly also has a hole on its rear similar to the draining hole that a flowerpot has." It is one of the most horrifying things I have ever seen.



Bekah is the good twin, so she bought a Snorlax. I also received a Zelda belt buckle, which will hopefully unseat the Batman belt buckle. Fingers crossed. Pelks and I also bought power-up drinks, which is just Red Bull with a picture of Mario on the cover. I was pretty objectionable for the next three hours or so.

--

We sat down in central park for our typical inane conversation. The highlight of the trip was when we saw an inflatable Batman at a stall. Olivia, Pelks, and I started shrieking. Remembering that I hadn't delivered Pelks a plush Kirby, I bought her the Batman (who managed to look unruffled despite being stuffed into a plastic bag.)

For some reason, squirrels kept attacking Ross' friend Jake.

--

The rest of the evening was mostly a disaster until we all went to Karaoke, suitably liquored up. Karaoke was...pretty much what you'd expect. The only real surprises were Richard's moving rendition of "Alison," a horrifying version of "A Whole New World," and our accidental selection of a metal song.

Every song had a music video with it, and "A Whole New World" inexplicably featured a woman singing to herself with mountains in the background. The song also had all kinds of inexcusable changes and frills which made singing at chore and we gave up.

The true highlight was when we misunderstood the karaoke interface and Bekah and I ended up 'singing' some ridiculous metal song. We were pretty sloshed at this point, so we metal'd the Pokemon theme on the way back.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Oh, God, I'm a twenty-something. It just hit me.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Raindrops are falling on my head...

Today, for some reason, the torrential rain made my hair shaggy and my eyelashes stand on end. I looked like the love child of Tammy Faye Bakker and Chewbacca, raised by his uncle Poseidon.

Despite Weathorr's best efforts, I managed to get in some LSAT and gym time in. All of my birthday money is also still intact -- this is going to be quite a weekend.

--

Today, William introduced me to something that should have delighted me -- Kermit singing a High School Musical duet. Instead, I was confused, saddened, and chagrined by what the Muppets have stooped to. What the hell happened to Jason Segal's movie? Why not stick with those delightful YouTube clips and viral marketing schemes?

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Haha, "Herpes Zoster"

Wow, it's been a busy week. What with working on the BA, the LSAT, the gym, and my imminent guests, I'm actually running out of time to do things. Also my job is really busy.

Big sister Bekah has shingles.

The Olympics, the media, and the election are all infuriating me right now.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Birthday 2: This time, it's parental.

My parents drove for an hour, distracting me by forcing me to explain why Barack Obama's lack of legislative experience is an asset and not a setback, until I realized they had taken me to the zoo.

Huh. I guess they really DO know me. Then they gave me lots of money for Saturday.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Oh god oh god oh god

it hurts

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

"I like you,

Pranks," said noted friend-of-Ross-and-Brawler-Fred. "Not as much as Ross likes you, but, you know, I'm comfortable with where we are in our relationship."

Last night, Ross' crew called me up as I was at the gym and informed that a local bar had 25-cent wings. I wasn't sure what this had to do with me, until they made it clear that I was to come with them. So, Ross' friends are awesome.

So awesome, in fact, that they are taking me out tonight as part of a wacky birthday barhopping session. I am unsure of the wisdom of this, as my robot brain is still shaking off the effects of last night.

Stella-fueled dreams included one in which William and I were taking a small child to Disney World. For whatever reason, Dixie was absolutely ga-ga about collecting autographs from all the mascots. He actually jumped off a roller coaster when he saw Goofy. "Goofy," he cried, as he fell, "I LOOOOOOOOOVE YOU."

--

Oh, man, my workplace ROCKS. They brought me a cake and made a huge fuss, and my boss even opened a bottle of wine with me. Um...is it bad if my drinking starts at 3:30 and continues until midnight?

They even told me not to come in tomorrow, but I'm saving my holidays for when I go home and when Ross & Co. visit.

Monday, August 4, 2008

What a Gas!

Today, my apartment tried to kill me.

In the shower, I was alarmed by a beeping noise. (Hey, that pun wasn't even on purpose.) After trekking downstairs, I was told that my carbon monoxide detector was merely out of batteries. I was still suspicious, so I took the full batteries out of my Wiimote and put them in the detector. Sure enough, the beeping continued.

I was beginning to feel uneasy. I went back downstairs and insisted on talking to the super. After much bantering with the desk clerk, who was still convinced I was making BIG STINKS for nothing, the super discovered that my treacherous, treacherous gas cooker had ill-intent. Instead of delicious food, it tried to serve me a hearty portion of INVISIBLE DEATH.

I was saved only by my Wii and my wits. Batman would be proud.

Addendum

Some of my dear readers felt that yesterday's escapade merited further explanation. I will do so quickly, as I have a tale of Death Defying Daring to get to.

1) No complaints from the downstairs neighbors so far. And who are you, pyrozpsfksdapf? Are you Ross or Bob?

2) Well, it's like this: I was on the phone, pacing, as is my wont, and suddenly the bathroom was covered in water. Police reports indicate "He should have turned the faucet off."

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Who has two thumbs

and used them to accidentally flood his bathroom floor while trying to wash his socks?

...THIS GUY.

I had a plan. I had a plan, and it was a clever one. It costs me seven dollars to do my laundry each week. I am going home on Friday. If I dry clean two of my nice shirts, I can do my laundry at home. All I have to do is wash my socks in the sink.

Simple, right?

My bathroom was covered in an inch of water, and I was out of paper towels, so I rushed to K-Mart to buy some. When I came back the water was mysteriously gone.

I'm not going to ask any questions.